Delight Yourself in the Lord: A Beginners Guide for Dating
Well, first, let me say it’s an honor to come and talk to you all about this topic. This isn’t an easy subject. As I prepared for tonight, I thought that being asked to teach on dating for 30 minutes is a little like trying to teach Chinese in 30 minutes.
Of course at one level it’s profoundly simple: Find someone who manifestly loves Jesus and you, make your promises — for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health — and then trust God will keep you, through sickness, through poorer, through worse. At that level, it’s relatively simple. But anyone who’s pursued marriage for long knows how much more complicated it can be. (If you heard me preach a couple weeks ago at Cities, you heard about some of the challenging twists and turns in Faye and I’s story.) Dating can be complicated and painful. And, as we love young people in our life, it does feel like it’s gotten more complicated and difficult in recent years. Technology has connected us to lots more people, but I’m not confident it’s made dating any easier or better.
No, I look out on a room like this — the desires, the histories, the frustrations, and the failures — and I want to talk to each of you. Because if I knew each of you, I’d have a much better idea of what to say to you. That’s not a cop out — I’m going to give you some counsel in this talk, and then we can get into all the questions and issues in the Q&A. It’s a real tension I feel, though, because if I knew you all well, I might say the exact opposite thing to some of you. I really might. And that’s why it’s so important that you lean most on wise people close to you. Don’t lean on the guy you don’t know talking for 30 minutes. Lean on those who know you best, love you most, and are willing to tell you when you’re wrong.
But the guy you don’t know needs to say something for 30 minutes tonight — and I’m really glad I get to. As I wrestled over what I could say, I was doing my Bible reading and landed in Psalm 37 again, like I do every year. And when I got to verse 4, I thought, I think that’s the most practical thing I could say about dating and marriage. And a couple weeks later, I still feel that way. Psalm 37:4:
“Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
I’m going to explain what it means (and what it doesn’t), and then I’ll try and apply it to the pursuit of marriage.
Delight Yourself in the Lord
The verse felt especially relevant for a night like tonight because I assume that most of you come to a night like tonight with desires — prayers that you’ve been praying for months or years or longer. You think your desire’s a good desire — it’s the kind of thing a good God would want to give to his children — and yet you’re still waiting, still praying. I have those prayers. I’m not dating anymore, so I’m not where you are. But I have my prayers, and so this psalm (and this verse in particular) have been precious to me, even in this season.
This psalm is a psalm about unfulfilled desire, but it’s also a psalm about envy. You might not have expected to hear about envy in a night about dating, but I think a lot of discontentment in singleness and dating quietly stems from envy — from wanting what someone else has (or at least what we think they have) and kinda thinking we deserve it more than them. Listen to King David, verse 1:
“Fret not yourself because of evildoers; be not envious of wrongdoers!”
It’s a psalm about envy. And envy’s one of the great enemies in this stage of life (and any stage of life). I want what they have, and I’m doing my best to live the right way (to follow and honor Jesus) — and yet I still don’t have it (whatever it is). But they do. I want a boyfriend, and they all have boyfriends. Or I have a boyfriend, but they all have better boyfriends. I want a wife, and they all have wives. I want to be married, and they’re all married. I want to have children, and they all have children. Envy is an unfulfilled desire — often a good desire — that Satan has weaponized against you.
Now, Psalm 37 is about envying the wicked. Believers were upset because they were suffering while evil people were getting all the good stuff. We don’t know when David wrote this, or who he was talking to, or who the evil people were who were prospering. We do know believers were frustrated that God was blessing other people with what they wanted. And into that envy and all those unfulfilled desires, God says, verse 4,
“Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
Now, I don’t even to need to know you to know that God hasn’t given you all the desires of your heart. Every one of you has something you want God to do in your life, and he hasn’t. This verse doesn’t mean that if you delight in the Lord, you’ll get everything you want, when you want it.
Some Christians believe that — and it’s wicked. They teach that if you just believe enough, pray enough, obey enough, give enough, you can have whatever you want — bigger house, nicer car, better job, more children, healing from sickness. And when it doesn’t happen, they assume they just haven’t done enough. It’s wicked. That’s not what this verse teaches, and that’s not the kind of God we have. So what does this verse teach?
This verse is a real command.
First, I want you to see that it’s a command, a real command. God doesn’t give us a choice to delight or not in the Christian life. Obedience to this God means happiness in this God. Philippians 4:4 says it even more clearly. Hear the command:
“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.”
Rejoice in what? He says a few verses earlier:
“I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ” (Philippians 3:8).
The reason Christians can always rejoice is because we’ll never not have him. You are commanded to be happy. So are you?
That command is of course impossible — but it’s not hard. What do I mean? “Delight yourself in the Lord.” It’s not an offer or a suggestion; it’s a command (in the Hebrew). But you can’t just do it. If you’re a Vikings fan, and I say, “Delight yourself in the Packers,” you can’t do it. You could watch all the games, listen to all the podcasts, follow all the players online, buy all the gear — you’re still going to hate the Packers. Delight isn’t a flip we switch. We talked about this recently in our sermon series on the Gospel of John. Jesus tells Nicodemus,
“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God” (John 3:3).
Cannot. But if we are born again — if, by the Spirit, we believe in Jesus, if he’s your Lord, Savior, and Treasure — then we can see him as he is. And if we can see him, really see him, in his word, in each other, in the world, how could we not delight in him?
That’s why I say this is impossible — and easy. It’s impossible: we can’t do it without almighty help working in our hearts. And so we pray, “God, I want to delight in you. I want to see you for who you really are. I don’t want to be bored with the greatest, most precious realities in the universe anymore. I don’t want to be stuck in my life of sin. I want to see. I want to see. Would you help me see?” He loves to answer those prayers. And then we pour ourselves into this book, looking and looking and looking for him. He’s of course everywhere in these pages, but we need the help of his Spirit to see the truth, beauty, and worth of what we’re reading. And then we surround ourselves with people in the church who see and delight in him, and we look at him through their eyes, their love, their lives. And when he gives us sight, when we realize who he is, and what he’s done for us, and how faithful he is to us, and what it will be like to live with him forever in the new world he’s going to make for those he loves — when we see him as is, the impossible gets easy. (Or at least easier.)
“Delight yourself in the Lord” is commanding you to delight in the greatest, most fulfilling and satisfying, most electrifying reality you have ever seen, smelled, tasted, touched, or heard. If we have an easier time enjoying sports or YouTube or shopping than we do enjoying Yahweh, it’s only because we haven’t seen enough of him yet. He is so satisfying that you will spend eternity enjoying him, and you’ll never get bored. His glory will be new and thrilling every morning, for a thousand years and then a thousand more. And, in Christ, you have a relationship with him now.
Now, that doesn’t mean there won’t be days or weeks of darkness and fog again. There will. I have those days and weeks, and I’m a pastor. But if this has happened to you, there will also be days and weeks of easy delighting, of sledding downhill spiritually, like my kids were sledding this Wednesday. I didn’t have to tell them, “Delight yourself in sledding. Guys, you must have some fun here.” No, they went down forty times and giggled every time. The sun went down, it’s pitch black, and they won’t stop. . . . I want your relationship with Jesus to be like that. I have all kinds of lessons and opinions on dating, but if I could change one thing about your pursuit of marriage, it really would be this:
“Delight yourself in the Lord.”
But that’s not the only thing I want you to see in this verse. There is the command, the wonderful command — “Delight yourself in the Lord” — but with the command is a promise, a real promise. A promise every bit as real as the command.
This verse is a real promise.
“Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of his heart.”
If God is your greatest desire, then he will give you the desires of your heart.
Now, if he really is your greatest desire, and he gives you himself, then he’s already started fulfilling the promise, right? I mean we get him. I don’t think, though, that God giving us God (as amazing and merciful as that is), explains this verse, though. I say that because the desires here are plural: desires. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart, the things you want — himself, yes, but with him, a whole lot else. Eventually, everything.
But if God promises to give us the desires of our heart, why haven’t we gotten them yet? The short, honest answer is: we don’t know. But he does. If you are his, there is a good reason for every withholding. I believe that with all my heart — I hope you do too. That means when I want and pray for something good, and I don’t get it, I don’t assume I didn’t believe enough, pray enough, obey enough, give enough. It is good to stop in these moments and check my heart for sin, absolutely. Is God exposing something in me because I want the wrong things, or the right things at the wrong time, or I’m pursuing the right things in the wrong way? Maybe that’s why he’s withholding something good from me.
But when I ask for something good, and God doesn’t give it to me, I mainly think: My Father in heaven is just being a good dad. . . . As parents, we see this all the time. My kids — 8, 4, and 2 — want a thousand things from us. And if we gave them 999, they’d be upset about the one. We have good reasons for not giving them everything they want, when they want it. They don’t understand why, and in some ways they can’t understand why yet, but there are really good reasons. God has his good reasons too.
These unfulfilled desires — again, good desires — they remind me of this prayer in Proverbs 30:8–9:
God, give me neither poverty nor riches;
feed me with the food that is needful for me,
lest I be full and deny you
and say, “Who is the LORD?”
Or lest I be poor and steal
and profane the name of my God.
Do you get the prayer? Lord, give me enough that I won’t be tempted to steal — but don’t give too much so that I’ll start to think I don’t need you anymore. Give me only what I need, and I don’t know what I need. Only you know what I truly need. I think we can pray the same in dating. It might sound like this:
God, give me neither loneliness nor idolatry;
Give me the relationship status that’s needful for me,
Lest I be totally consumed and distracted by a relationship
And say, “Who is the LORD?”
Or lest I be alone and bitter
and profane the name of my God.
The two prayers are really one: God, give me what I need to keep me delighting in you. When God says, through David, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart,” I think he means God really will give you good things you want. He’s a good Father. He loves giving good gifts to his children. But he’s not always going to give like we want or expect; he’s going to give like a good Dad.
Four Implications for Dating
But you came to a talk on dating. So how might a Psalm 37:4 heart play out in dating?
1. A Psalm 37:4 heart will want the Lord more than marriage.
That means you’ll have a reason to rejoice no matter your relationship status. You have God. And I’m not just talking to single people here. I am talking to you: If you are single a lot longer than you expected or wanted (that was me for years), but you have God — then you have God. You’re one of the richest men or women on earth. You may not feel like that a lot of Friday nights, but you would if you could see everything God sees. But I’m not only talking to single people. I’m talking to dating and married people too. Relationships come with their own heartaches and desires. Marriages come with their serious heartaches and unfulfilled desires.
You can ask her, but Faye wishes some things were really different about me — things that are routinely challenging or painful for her. She’s right to want me to be different, and God hasn’t done it yet, at least not completely. But she has God! She has God. Don’t assume the aches of singleness, or of your dating relationship, or eventually of your marriage are greater than someone else’s in a different stage. They’re all hard in their own ways, and yet if we have God, we have God.
2. This delight will change and refine your desires for marriage.
Some of you desire marriage so much that it’s interfering with your relationship with Jesus. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he’ll realign that good desire with reality. Marriage is a good desire. Family is a good desire. But they’re good when they stay under a greater, higher desire. Others of you don’t desire marriage at all, and you should. You’re perfectly happy living on your own, doing your thing, not worrying about anyone else. If you delight yourself in the Lord, he might actually give you new desires for marriage and children. You might for the first time see the gospel, kingdom opportunity if building a family. I hope that happens for some of you soon.
3. This delight will redefine the kind of person you’re looking for.
Third, if you delight yourself in the Lord and want to get married, that delight will redefine and reshape the kind of person you’re looking for. The qualities that mattered most to you before won’t matter as much. They might still matter, but they’re all smaller now. And the qualities inside the person will become more and more important and attractive — or ugly. Above all, above all, marry someone who consistently delights in the Lord and helps you delight in the Lord. It doesn’t matter how much money they make, or how great their hairline is, or if they’e a stud athlete or great musician, or whether they’re that perfect mix of seriousness and humor — if they don’t delight in the Lord, don’t marry them. None of it will matter if you can’t enjoy Jesus together.
4. This delight will change how you date.
Fourth (and last), some of you are already dating, and delighting in the Lord will change how you date. To date like a Christian in the 21st century is to date differently. To be clear with our intentions. To make guys lead and communicate in the relationship. To avoid all sexual immorality. To draw in wise, godly counselors to help. To make Jesus the most important thing. It’s going to look different, way different, than your unbelieving classmates, or roommates, or co-workers. At least it should. Delighting in the Lord will help guard us from the foolishness and sin that plagues so many couples, even Christian couples.
So, what would I say to someone wanting counsel for dating in 2025? Delight yourself in the Lord.
“Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).
Let’s pray.
Father, in a room like this, I know that there’s some people who hear this verse and their heart rises and they say “Yes, God I want you above all else. I want you above marriage, I want you above a dating relationship, I want you above a better job, I want you above everything.” That’s a miracle! — that anyone in this room would hear this verse and say “Yes, that’s what I want.” It’s a miracle that you work by your Spirit. I praise you for it.
And I imagine there’s a host of people here who hear that verse and it sounds like it’s in another language. It sounds so far from their day in and day out experience of you. And so I pray, by your Spirit, light all of our hearts on fire. Be the greatest, brightest, most satisfying treasure for all of us wherever we come from tonight and wherever we’re headed when we leave.
And I just pray for remarkable wisdom. I pray Philippians 1:9 for these young men and women. I pray that their love would abound more and more with knowledge and all discernment as they pursue marriage. There are so many traps and there are so many temptations, and I pray that their hearts would enlarge, that love would grow and grow and grow with knowledge and discernment in you so that they might bear fruit in the pursuit and prove that you are their greatest delight, their greatest treasure.
Be with us now in this Q&A. There’s so many issues we could talk about and I just pray that you would lead us in the question asking, in Faye and I as we speak into these issues and that you would guard us from error. Guard us from leaning on our own understanding. Anything that’s not of you, just blow it away. Have it miss the ears all together. And whatever is of you, I pray that we would hear it and head it. I pray this in Jesus’ name, amen.