How Do We Love One Another?

I’m writing what you’re now reading in an attempt to connect some dots related to Sunday’s sermon, “Our Love for One Another.”

The crescendo of the sermon is that we as the church must love one another. That’s clear enough in the ethical teaching of Ephesians, but then we also have Jesus’s teaching in John 13, and then the book of 1 John — 

For this is the message that you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another. (1 John 3:11) 

Actually, there is no other behavioral expectation more plainly expressed in the entire Bible. As Paul lays it out in Romans 13, 

Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. … [all the commandments] are summed up in this word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” … love is the fulfilling of the law. (verses 8–10)

Church, without a doubt, we are called to love one another. Yes and amen. 

Okay, but how exactly do we do that?

Now at this point, the last thing I want is to make us too self-conscious, unable to keep our eyes off our own feet, with all the awkwardness of a middle school dance. We shouldn’t overthink this topic — because we just need to do it — but we do need to know a thing or two about how to move. A few pointers might help.

A Word About Relationships

First, a word about relationships. Loving one another assumes a relationship with one another as members of the church. That said, the experts tell us we humans have the relational capacity for about 150 people. Connections beyond that are less meaningful, the studies conclude, despite our technological advancements. 

Now, consider that our church has 300 covenant members, and each of these members have relational networks outside our church, such as extended family, neighbors, kids’ school, co-workers, recreational activities, and more. The 150 capacity, then, if we’re working with that number, tends to fill up quickly, and that’s even before you try to fit 299 other people into the pie. 

This should inform our relational expectations (and strategy). 

It means that none of our members can have meaningful relationships with all of our members. And that is okay. God doesn’t require that. We shouldn’t either.

But while none of our members can have meaningful relationships with all of our members, all of our members must have meaningful relationships with some of our members. 

“... all of our members must have meaningful relationships with some of our members.”

And it’s really great when those meaningful relationships grow like kudzu up a brick wall. They just take off naturally, and it’s beautiful without even trying to be. That has happened, and it does happen, but we don’t wait around for it to happen. 

A Word About Structures

Relationships are so integral for discipleship and our calling to love another. Therefore, we place a very high value on relationships at Cities Church. And the way you prioritize values is by structures.

Now we have a simple discipleship structure on purpose. It’s Community Groups and Life Groups (and then some initiatives that branch out from there, in service to them). 

The simplicity is intentional because, first, I believe organizational complexity paves the path to its ruin (especially when the organization is primarily a community); i.e., second, complexity distracts from the mission (Why are we here again?); and third, complexity creates silos that impede a relational culture. So, for example, our pastors and staff don’t have “departments;” we meet every other week; we are a working team; we sit at round tables. And … we are small. 

All of this is important, and it’s another angle that might help you think about our Community Groups.

Because in Community Groups we do with 20 what we’d like to do with 299.

We certainly love the whole 299, and we should avail ourselves to every opportunity to express that love, but practically, in our normal rhythms, loving one another is experienced most at the Community Group level. That is the area of prioritization, if you will.

“... do with 20 what we’d like to do with 299.”

Our Community Groups ensure that you have meaningful relationships with some members, and that every member has some meaningful relationships. We can’t conceive of church membership without such relationships, which is why we make CG connections part of what it means to become a member at Cities Church. Relationships are that valuable to us. Because loving one another presupposes relationships. And loving one another, well, again, see Bible.

Have I mentioned yet that Loving One Another is one of our three essentials? This is the bread-and-butter for Cities Church. We want it to be our wheelhouse.

Okay, But How?

Thanks for indulging the above digression. Back to this important question: How, actually, do we love one another? The pointers, please …

A few years back we crafted a little guide for our Life Groups (one that I’m currently editing for republication). In that guide, we traced out three components that characterize meaningful relationships in the church. The first is that we remember our stories; second, that we listen well; and third, that we speak the truth in love.

That latter points comes from Ephesians 4:15, which we saw Sunday. Paul is talking about how the church grows and matures. It’s by not being misled with bad doctrine, 

Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ … [which] makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love. (verses 15–16)

Maturity comes by loving one another, and loving one another looks like speaking the truth in love to one another — in the context of meaningful relationships where you know one another and have listened well to one another (again, back to the 20/299 from above — “Do with 20 ….” ).

I want us to get really good at speaking the truth in love to one another. See how important it is to the whole thing? 

Clarifying “Truth in Love”

First, let me add a word of clarity here. 

By “truth” in Ephesians 4:15, Paul doesn’t mean brute honesty about anything. He means truth as that which accords to reality and is relevant for one’s maturity in Christ. 

“We are to speak the truth (the truth of God, gospel truth) in love (for the other’s good in Christ).”

In other words, don’t quote Ephesians 4:15 to tell someone you don’t like their Type-A personality when it comes to dinner plans. You’re fine to tell them how you feel, but don’t try to stand on Paul’s words in Ephesians 4:15. That’s not what he means. 

Paul means truth as in gospel truth — God-truth, God’s-way-of-seeing-the-world truth, God’s-design-for-the-universe truth. Which doesn’t mean the particular things you like or dislike about someone. It’s not an exercise in you getting something off your chest. Speaking the truth in love goes beyond the surface-level things that are easiest to see, and it digs deeper, it draws out the heart, and it always, always, always is about the other person, not you. It’s for their good, not yours. 

We are to speak the truth (the truth of God, gospel truth) in love (for the other’s good in Christ).

And one-word description of this is “encouragement.” 

Speaking the truth in love to one another means that we encourage one another.

In sum, a church that loves one another well is a church with a culture of encouragement. And encouragement does not mean blowing sunshine, but it means that we speak from our love to others’ fears in order to move them forward in their walk with Jesus. 

And I’d like to talk more about that. Coming soon.