Husbands, Engage Your Wives
When I started writing, I intended to encourage mothers by focusing on how to manage our children and keep them in line. But my wife intervened. That is good.
Now, instead, I’m writing about how we husbands can best engage our wives and children. Keeping our children in control is important, but right now it is more important for husbands to be present and dialed into the needs of their families.
It has taken years, but I now have a relatively good notion of how to provide and fight for my wife and family. Name the scenario—I can figure out what to do. It doesn’t mean I’ll always be successful, but I usually know when I’m not successful. I imagine most husbands can do the same. To put it another way, we husbands generally know how to circle the wagons and “get ‘er done.” But the act of engaging still gives me trouble.
With my wife and in my family, when I attempt to engage, to step into their world and look at things along their point of view, I tend to be idealistic, a little rough around the edges, and rarely able to account for the thousands of nuances that my wife expertly manages day-in and day-out. To state it more precisely, I may think I’m pretty good at leading and developing the family, but often that self-perception is a carnival mirror. Perhaps, you could say the same.
So, what can I do? What can we as husbands and fathers do? You might have a list of things that have worked, and if so, keep on! But I asked my wife for help, and she had some great thoughts. I’d love to share them with you (and since these are actually not my suggestions, I get a pass if they don’t work in your home!).
For starters, there are a couple things I need to keep in mind. First, I want my actions and words to be an encouragement to my “already doing it” wife. Second, I need to come to terms with the fact that the situation in which we currently find ourselves is not “business as usual.” In one sense, things at home aren’t so different. My wife has managed the details of our home for years—the cooking, cleaning, washing, folding laundry, schooling, mentoring, and disciplining. These are just the start of an endless list. What she is doing now looks similar to what she has always done, but it is actually a completely different world for her. The demands of this new sheltering are intense and often oppressive. Every moment of every day, she is dealing with and feeling the needs, desires, stresses, questions and sins of our children with a new intensity. And as if that were not enough, she is thinking about online schooling, getting a Chrome book or laptop of some sort, making meals, how to secure toilet paper, and, of course, the virus itself.
She feels her mistakes, her shortcomings, and her failures with a new intensity. And all of this without the helpful diversions of coffee with friends, time at work, a trip to the gym, a walk, a bike ride, or the simple break of having plans for this Friday night. Except for the grocery delivery on Tuesday, she has erased all events on her calendar. In her own words, she is losing vision and losing her way.
Three Ideas for How to Engage Your Wife
So, how do I encourage her? How do I rescue her and the family from the heaviness and fog of this present reality? Here is my list (with her help). It’s short. It will take about two minutes to read. But maybe it will give you some ideas:
Sit and listen. First (and almost only), listen to your wife. It’s good for the kids to see you sitting and listening to mom, even if she cries. After listening to her then listen to the kids.
Don’t take over your wife’s tasks. That’s surprising advice, I know (but once again, this comes straight from my wife). She told me this probably because I’ve done it the wrong way so many times. When I take over her responsibilities, it makes her feel as if I am telling her that she has been doing it incorrectly or not fast enough. She says it also sends the message: “This isn’t so bad. Why are you making such a big deal about it?” Strange, isn’t it? But, if I’m honest, that does cross my mind when I clean the kitchen or do laundry or anything that is part of her daily routine. Truth is, I’m not the house manager. She is. It is her domain, and if I step into it, I need to check my motives.
Help cast a vision for what you both can do during this time. Here are some simple vision ideas that we sorted through this afternoon:
What specific things could we get done during this time?
What things would be memorable for our marriage and for our children during this time?
How can we squirrel away small pockets of time to “get away” with each other? A walk, coffee in front of a window, a bike ride. It’s certainly not dinner out at Café Latte, but something could work.
This week, I’ll be playing baseball catch in the street with Zeke and Sadie. Actually, I just went out before writing this. Liz joined us. I had to tell the kids to stop laughing at each other when they dropped the ball. I’ll watch the kids on Thursday night so my wife, Martha, can eat pizza and drink wine with an old friend—over Zoom. This week, she is going do something special with each kid. She doesn’t know exactly what she’ll do, but she can because we’ll figure it out. I started reading a book to the kids. The youngest got sent to her room. But I’ve committed to trying. I can already tell you that I’ll miss some nights, but ... the point isn’t to do this perfectly. The point is to say to my wife, “You’re not alone, and our family is worth my time.” May God enable us as husbands to engage our wives and families in special ways during this “new normal” — and perhaps when all this is over, that part remains the normal (just no longer “new”).