Parenting With Patience

Patience is hard to come by for many of us. Just when we think we have it, we lose our grasp of it once again. Though our circumstances may differ from person to person, the basic ingredients for growth in Christian patience are essentially the same across all life stages and situations.

To be patient in seasons of sorrow, we need to know and trust that our cries to God do not fall on deaf ears (Ps. 40:1). He hears us, he sees us, and he knows better than we do all of the tears we have ever shed (Ps. 56:8). Even more, he knows when the time will come in which these tears will be no more (Rev. 21:4).

To be patient when wronged, we need to know and believe that God will one day make all things right. It is his final vindication, his perfect justice, that enables us to refrain from anger and forsake our wrath (Ps. 37:7-9). Because he counts it a gracious thing to endure sorrow while suffering unjustly, so should we (1 Pet. 2:19). 

To be patient when bored – yes, bored – we need to know that the world before us is God’s handiwork. That the day before us is God’s undeserved gift to us. That we can yet glorify God in the work he, in his wisdom, has put before us no matter how monotonous or menial it may seem (Col. 3:17). For the Christian, there are no meaningless moments.

Parents who, like myself, are seeking to grow in patience do well to daily rehearse these broad and glorious truths, and many more like them (Rom. 8:28, Phil. 4:5-7, Prov. 15:18, etc.). In fact, if you struggle to believe any one of them I’d encourage you, right now, to stop and plead to God to help you grow to trust them with every fiber of your being. For those parents, however, who do have a growing grasp of these realities and yet still grapple with patience, I offer the following as core truths for cultivating more patience as a parent.

Your Children Are Worth Your Time

Let’s face it, there are many other ways you could have spent your time today. You could have watched a movie, run some miles, had coffee with a friend, or even dined at a fancy restaurant. Instead, you washed three loads of laundry, helped construct a 10-piece puzzle, and watched your child take on the monkey bars for over an hour. Time well spent? Yes, because your children – the very ones in your home – matter to God.

Your sons and your daughters have been made by God in his likeness, and for a purpose, and that alone is enough to unalterably and unconditionally establish their worth. God does not overlook them because they are little – in fact, he looked upon them before they were even born (Ps. 139:13-16). He does not think less of them because of their age but welcomes them, as children, into his presence with gladness (Mt. 19:14). He has not made adulthood a prerequisite for worth nor a measure of value. Remember, to children belongs the kingdom of God (Luke 18:16). 

Yes, their games are often simple and repetitive. Yes, their interests are somewhat basic and one-dimensional. But through it all, God hears them, attends to them, upholds them, and delights in them. As their parents, so should we.  

Your Children Aren’t Wrong to Be Needy

It is not a sin to be in need, especially if you are a child. Children are not born into this world knowing how to prepare a meal, read a book, or tie their shoes. They need to be taught, re-taught, and re-re-taught. Neither do they come into this world big enough to push in their chair, buckle their seat belt, or grab a shirt from off its hanger. They need to be helped, re-helped, and re-re-helped. 

In our sin, we often treat our children as if their need is somehow a sin against us. It inconveniences us. It requires us to halt whatever we’re doing. It puts us in a position in which we have to do things over, and over, and over again. Often, this results in our grumbling. Often, we react to it with frustration. If you could read the thought bubbles over our heads in those moments, they may commonly feature the question, “Why can’t you just do this for yourself?”

Jesus never despised someone for having physical needs. He did not roll his eyes before the paralyzed. He didn’t get irked by the blind when they asked to see. Jesus came not to be served, but to serve. Who did he serve? Those in need. 

As parents, our children need us. It is not a sin for them to need us — it is God’s design. May God give us the grace to embrace his design and live it out with patience. 

Your Children Sin Because They Are Sinners

Your children are bright-eyed in wonder and full of imagination. They hug, they snuggle, they sit up on your lap, and when they sleep – oh, how innocent they can look. And, certainly, your children are in at least some sense of the term more innocent than your average adult, cynical and hardened as we can be. That said, however, your children are still sinners (Rom. 5:12). As such, they do what sinners do. 

You (under God) are the authority over your children. You, as the parent, uphold God’s rules, and establish house rules, and direct your children to live in congruence to both. You represent God’s Law to them. Sinners, on the other hand, don’t like God’s Law, his rules, or his authority. They bristle under the “no’s” and the “shall nots.” So, it should not surprise us as parents when, low-and-behold, our children disobey. We did too, and we still do in many ways. 

Good parents establish firm and fitting rules that are formed by Scripture if not coming directly out of Scripture. And, they establish gospel-shaped forms of discipline and practice them with consistency. They don’t take it personally when their children sin against them – that is, again, what sinners do. But neither do they withhold discipline when their children sin against them – it is, after all, what sinners need (Heb. 12:10). 

As parents, may we recognize our children are sinners in need of a Savior and so care for them accordingly, with patience. 

Your Children Are Yours By Design

In love, God specifically chose you and your spouse to be the parents of your children. Likewise, he chose your particular children – with their distinct temperaments and personalities – to be yours to parent. Nothing and no one in this equation is an accident. Nothing and no one in this equation is a mistake. God hand-picked every one of your sons and every one of your daughters – no exceptions. 

Do you feel especially inadequate to care for the children God has given you? Ask for his help and strength (2 Cor. 12:9-10). 

Do you feel unsure about what your children need from you? Call out for understanding (Prov. 2:1-5).

Do you feel as if someone else with some other kind of skill set or disposition could do it better? He could have chosen someone else – he chose not to (Acts 17:26).

Do you feel as if you and a certain child of yours are regularly at odds, butting heads, and pushing each other’s buttons? Recognize that it may very well be God’s good plan to use that child, perhaps more than all the others, to make you more into the image of his Son. Recognize, as well, that it may be his good plan to use you, perhaps in a way unique from your spouse, to grow that child. 

As the particular parents of our specific children, we believe that any discord we may feel or any sense of incompatibility we may experience is not reason for despair but impetus to lean in and trust God for more grace.

Your Patience, His Power 

If your child is to experience any real heart-change; if your child is to undergo any true soul-level transformation; if your child is to move from being a lover of self to a lover of God; then it will require nothing short of the sovereign working of God. That said, God works most regularly through means, and when it comes to the hearts of children, those means are far commonly the simple, every day, patient plodding of parents. Do you believe that?

Do you believe that you may well be the primary means of grace in your child’s life? Do you believe that your sowing and watering as a parent might one day give way to God-given growth in your children? Do you believe that God still delights to call children to himself through the voices of mom and dad?

If so, take the time, meet the need, practice the discipline, and believe that the God of the universe has called you to this great work.