Worth It All

As Pastor Jonathan was preparing his sermon on the paralyzed man by the pool of Bethesda (John 5:1–18), he asked if I would share my thoughts as someone who could identify with this man.

First, Jesus knew all about the paralyzed man (John 5:5,6). I love that Jesus knew that 38 years was a long time to be paralyzed. I would agree! ☺ (I have been paralyzed almost 45 years.) Although Jesus had compassion on him and healed him, Jesus also knew that this man’s greatest need was not physical healing, but forgiveness for sin. Jesus knew this was my greatest need also.

Although I grew up in a loving, church-going family, I never really heard the gospel of salvation at my church. During college, a friend invited me to her church, where I heard and believed that Jesus died for my sins and rose from the dead to give me new life. I surrendered to Christ and began the wonderful journey of following Him.

After college, I taught elementary school and then worked with a Christian ministry that served urban youth and people with addictive behaviors. As part of my job, I brought a group of middle school girls to hear a talented young quadriplegic named Joni, who painted beautifully by holding a paintbrush in her mouth. I admired Joni, but I remember telling the girls, “God must know what we can handle, because I could never live as a quadriplegic.” 

Those words would soon be tested. A few months later my life was forever changed in a car accident. Slumped over the steering wheel, unable to move, I felt Jesus with me as I silently repeated over and over, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for You are with me” (Psalm 23:4). I was taken by ambulance to the hospital, where I was told that I had a spinal cord injury and my paralysis would be permanent.

The first few months after my injury I didn’t believe — I couldn’t believe — that my paralysis would be permanent. I really believed that God was going to heal me. After all, I reasoned, didn't he heal the paralyzed man by the pool of Bethesda and the paralyzed man lowered through the roof? (Mark 2). Besides, wasn’t I faithfully serving him in a Christian ministry?

The healing I sought never came, and I spent the next year and a half in various hospitals and rehabilitation centers, dealing with medical problems and learning to live as a quadriplegic. When I realized that this wasn’t going to go away, I fell into a deep depression, and I just wanted to die. But through the prayers and support of others, I slowly came out of this depression and began to see that in God’s eyes my life was far from over.

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I went back to work part-time as a counselor and then attended graduate school. I’ve been involved in spinal cord cure research and pro-life issues. God has opened many doors to serve him through teaching and writing. I’m enriched by many wonderful people I never would have met if I were not a quadriplegic. There is now no doubt in my mind that it is God who guides my life and empowers me to be who I am and to do what I do. I am abundantly blessed.

I still have lots of questions about why things happen. But I also believe Romans 8:28: “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” His purpose is found in the next verse: “For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son...”  I know God is using my present situation to transform me into the image of his Son, and to bring me closer to himself. 

For example, through my disability, I began to realize that many things our culture values — abilities, appearance, possessions — can be taken away anytime. I gradually understood that my value lies in something that can never be taken away … and that’s the fact that God loves me. I have experienced his love through the sacrificial love of family and friends, and through encountering the God of love himself in the pages of Scripture. I also experienced God’s love through another very real encounter with Jesus.

It began when I heard a speaker emphasize, “You need to know that you know that you know God loves you, and if you’re not sure ask Him to show you.” So, I half-heartedly prayed, “Okay God, help me to know that I know that I know you love me,” and then I forgot about that prayer. A couple months later, while at a camp, I was drawn to a sweet little girl who was paralyzed and unable to speak. One day I asked her PCA if I could hold her in my lap. As this precious little girl was looking up at me, I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of love and compassion toward her, feelings so strong I began to weep. I prayed silently, “Lord Jesus, this is crazy. Why am I feeling such love and compassion toward this little girl?” Then, clear as day, this thought came into my mind, “Jean, this is exactly how I love you.” Then I really started crying… because I knew this was God’s answer to my prayer about his love.

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I've also been learning about God's faithfulness. I now have to depend on him and on others every day, even every hour, and he truly does meet my every need. When things get hard, I cling to 2 Corinthians 12:9, which says: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness…” I’m finding that the more I realize my own weakness, the stronger I am in him and the more he can do in me and through me.

My disability is forcing me to have a more eternal perspective on life. I can identify with Paul when he says in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18: “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed every day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison…” 

According to these verses, the afflictions of this life are slight and momentary compared to eternity, like a single drop of water in the ocean. Therefore, I want to focus on the things that will last for eternity, such as God (Deuteronomy 33:27), God’s Word (Matthew 24:35), and people (John 3:16). And so, I find great joy and purpose in giving my life to knowing God, living out his word, and helping other people come to know God (evangelism) and live out his word (discipleship). 

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Perhaps the most precious part of my disability is being able to enter more deeply into knowing Jesus and the fellowship of his suffering. Philippians 3:10 says: “that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.” When I have trouble breathing, I try to remember Jesus on the cross, painfully struggling for every breath. When I am dealing with the effects of scoliosis, I remember that his body was broken for me, and I offer back to him my broken body. I think those are the times I most need him and feel closest to him.

Although I have not been healed from my paralysis as the man by the Bethesda pool was, I know I have been forgiven and will, by God’s grace, continue to walk with Jesus into eternity. I look forward to the fulfillment of Philippians 3:20–21, which declares: “But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.” 

I know that when I reach eternity, I will be able to thank Jesus and say it was worth it all!