Respect and Protect Marriage

As we come to the seventh commandment, it’s worth taking a moment to remind ourselves of what we’ve heard from God thus far.

We’ve seen the first table of the law, which deals fundamentally with our love for God:

1. “Worship Yahweh alone” = “You shall have no other gods before me”

2. “Worship Yahweh in the way that he requires” = “You shall not make a graven image”

3. “You shall honor the name of Yahweh in your words and conduct” = “You shall not take Yahweh’s name in vain”

4. “Remember the Sabbath” = “You shall not ceaselessly labor or make others ceaselessly labor”

Then we come to the second table of the law which accents love for neighbor. Pastor David noted that the fifth commandment is a kind of hinge that leads us from loving and honoring God as our Father to loving and honoring our earthly fathers and mothers (and all other relationships of superiors and inferiors).

What’s more, the fifth commandment contains a promise, “so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” Paul, in Ephesians 6, says that this is the first commandment with a promise. Now there are debates about what he means by that. But one possibility is that the promise in the fifth commandment governs the rest of the commandments in the Ten Words. It’s the first commandment, the leading commandment with a promise of long life in the land, but that the remaining commandments are also designed to preserve long life in the land.

Put another way, all of the commandments, in one way or another are designed to preserve and guard human society. The integrity of all human community is at stake in keeping the law of God as summarized in the Ten Commandments. The integrity of human society depends upon honoring relationships of authority and submission, on preserving the glorious and wonderful mystery of human life, on preserving the fundamental covenant of marriage, on guarding the right to one’s own property, on preserving the social bonds established through speech, and on fostering contentment in what God has given to us so that our insatiable desires do not threaten to tear society apart.

Definition and Purpose of Marriage

So then, the seventh commandment. Do not commit adultery. Or, stated positively, respect and protect marriage. Let us begin with a definition. What is marriage? Marriage is a comprehensive, exclusive, lifelong union of two sexually complementary persons who seal their relationship through a procreative act. It’s a comprehensive union, in that husband and wife are united in body and soul. It’s an exclusive union, in that husband and wife have unique and mutual obligations to each other in a monogamous relationship. It’s a lifelong union of complementary persons in that only a man and only a woman can unite together in one flesh union, a union that is sealed with an act designed by God to bring forth children.

In this definition, we also see the two original and fundamental purposes of marriage. First, marriage is given for the mutual joy, help, and comfort of husband and wife, through all of the ups and downs of human life. In Genesis, God said, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper fit for him.” The creation of woman and the union of the man and the woman as husband and wife is for the sake of their joy in suitable and fitting companionship.

Second, God designed marriage to issue forth in fruitfulness, in multiplication, and in filling the earth with his image-bearers. And not just image-bearers, but image-bearers who follow the risen Jesus. Pastor Kevin reminded me of a good line from John Piper on this: Marriage is for making children…disciples of Jesus. There’s both a natural dimension and a supernatural dimension.

God gave to us the gift of marriage because he desired godly offspring, children who are to be raised in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Children are not an accessory to a romantic relationship, but instead one of the fundamental and original purposes for the marriage relationship. And this is true, even though we live in a fallen and broken world marked by medical complications that hinder and prevent fruitfulness.

And I want to underscore this point. We live in a broken world, in which infertility is real. It’s real, and in almost all cases, it’s unbelievably painful. And sometimes in our good desire to comfort those who feel the weight of infertility, we can be tempted to modify the biblical vision of marriage and its purposes. In order to relieve the burden of barrenness, we make procreation an optional add-on, icing on the cake in our descriptions of marriage. But there are two problems with this well-intentioned approach to comfort. First, it isn’t the biblical vision of marriage.

The Scriptures give ample testimony that fruitfulness and multiplication are God’s design in marriage. And it’s never wise to deny God’s design. Second, it’s not the biblical way of comfort. The biblical way of comfort is to enter the pain by dignifying the loss. Infertility is a real loss. It’s a deep pain. And it’s a deep pain because God’s design is that marriage issue forth in children. If child-bearing were an optional accessory to marriage, then the pain wouldn’t be as deep. Grieving with a couple who is unable to bear biological children requires us to acknowledge the real good that is broken. And we have a Bible that both lifts up fruitfulness as one of the main purposes of marriage, and then repeatedly invites us to consider again and again the pain of barrenness and infertility.

So God designed marriage for mutual joy, help, and comfort, and God designed marriage to issue forth in children who will be raised in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Bringing these together, marriage is God’s way of multiplying and establishing new households. Every human being is born into a household. All of us have a father and mother that we should honor. But then, a man leaves his father and mother and holds fast to his wife, and in doing so establishes a new household, a new outpost of God’s natural love and grace to mankind.

Why Do We Guard and Protect Marriage?

So that’s marriage: a comprehensive, exclusive, lifelong union of a man and a woman, sealed through a procreative act, that is designed to bring forth children and to be a source of mutual joy, help, and comfort. And this relationship must be protected, respected, and honored. “Let marriage be held in honor by all” (Hebrews 13:4). Why? Why is it so important for marriage to be respected and honored?

There’s many answers to this question. Marriage, like life, is a great mystery. The book of Proverbs says that the way of a man with his wife is one of the incomprehensible mysteries of life. In the modern world, it’s easy to view marriage as an individualistic and private arrangement. It’s merely about two people who love and desire each other, entering into some kind of agreement that suits them. But marriage is so much bigger than this. Marriage is the oldest human institution. Its roots reach back to the garden, and a chief part of the glory of marriage is that it is capable at its best of conjuring Eden in our imaginations, of recalling the deep memory of what was lost and ruined by the fall.

In this sense, we don’t guard marriage because it’s inherently fragile; we guard it because it’s precious. Marriage is harnessing powerful desires that are capable of tearing human society apart. These desires are so potent that we bind them with covenants and oaths before Almighty God, and seek to channel them in fruitful directions that build families, households, societies, and civilizations. Marriage is the foundation and seedbed of society.

And when we’re talking about the desires that marriage harnesses and channels, we’re not just talking about the marital act itself. We’re talking about the whole complex web of desires, aspirations, hopes, and dreams that make us who we are as men and women. In marriage, we come face to face with realities of such weight and significance that, in our best moments, we are humbled into silence before them. We become appropriately shy and quiet in the presence of what it means to be Man and Woman, Husband and Wife, Lover and Beloved, Pursuer and Pursued.

By God’s design, marriage is one of the fundamental places that we come face to face with who we are. A man, in pursuing his wife, in desiring and delighting in her beauty, in gladly sacrificing and giving himself for her, finds, not only her, but himself. A woman, in being pursued, in responding to her husband’s initiative, in desiring the enjoying of her beauty, in gladly submitting to his headship, finds not only him, but herself. And then the two of them set out together to find more of themselves in each other, and then in the children that God brings, and then in the life that they build together in relation to others beyond their family.

Marriage displays the glorious complementarity of the sexes. Marriage is a dance, husband leading and wife responding, all eyes marking her as they make their way around the dance floor. Marriage is a home, with the husband as the walls and roof that protect and preserve, and wife as the warmth and beauty that brings life inside. Marriage is a garden, with husband as the gardener who tills the ground and sows the seed, and wife as the fruitful land which brings forth an abundance of life and beauty. In marriage, he is head, and she is glory. He is king, and she is queen.

Marriage is a great and precious gift, and therefore God has woven it together with bonds and oaths, with covenants and symbols. God has built high walls around this garden. But these high walls are not meant to hinder our joy; they’re meant to make our joy possible. For the good of husbands and wives, for the good of children, for the good of society and long life in the land, God has given us the gift of these high walls. That’s the reason why the penalty for adultery and similar sins in the Mosaic law is death. God is showing us the gravity of these sins. They are not small things, because marriage is not a small thing. If we take violations of the marriage bed lightly, then we will suffer, our children will suffer, and our society will suffer. And if you need evidence of that, just look around. We live in a day in which marriage is not held in honor by all. The walls around it are crumbling. There are weeds in the garden that are choking out the life. And so a chief part of my message today is simply to call this people to hear and obey the seventh commandment. There are a thousand ways to break it, and we live in a culture that makes it easy to do so. Some of you are dancing at the edge of dishonoring marriage and defiling the marriage bed. You’re drifting toward disobedience. You’re making provision for the flesh. You’re creating space to indulge your desires. If that’s you, then I simply want to warn you, those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom. Flee. Run away. Humble yourself before God and resist the siren song of this world. But remember that this word from your Father is for your good. So build the walls around your marriage high and thick. Help your neighbors build their walls high and thick. And then rejoice in the kindness and blessing of God.

What About the Unmarried?

I do want to point in some practical directions, but before I do, there’s one other major question that I want to address. I’ve been extolling the glory and goodness of marriage. So is there any word here for the unmarried? After all, Hebrews says that the marriage bed should be held in honor by all, not just by the married. So here are three things to consider.

1. By nature, every man is a potential husband and father, and every woman is a potential wife and mother. That’s part of what it means to be made male and female. But the word “potential” is important. Because beneath the potential is the simple fact that every man is an actual son and every woman is an actual daughter. More importantly, every Christian man is an actual son of God, and every Christian woman is an actual daughter of God. Before I am Jenny’s husband, I am God’s creation by nature, and God’s son through Christ. And that actual relationship to God is more fundamental than all other human relationships. It is an everlasting relationship. Jesus teaches us that marriage, for all of its glories in this life, is only an institution in this present age. In the age to come, we neither marry nor are given in marriage. The temporary glory of marriage gives way to the eternal glory of fellowship with God and his people.

2. Nevertheless, in this present age, marriage is and ought to be normative for us, meaning, God’s design for most is marriage. And having established that our relationship to him is most fundamental, we ought to embrace the goodness of marriage as the normal path for most. And in the shadow of the Fall, we even see here an additional purpose for marriage. In a fallen world, marred by sin and subject to temptation, marriage is a protection from immorality. As Paul says, “it’s better to marry than burn with passion.”

3. If marriage is the norm, this means that the unmarried state is exceptional. But exceptional does not mean second class. The Bible presents both truths—marriage is honorable and the norm for most, and that God has good purposes for the unmarried. But even here it’s wise to distinguish. On the one hand, we should recognize unmarried celibacy as a positive divine calling for some. Paul places himself in this category in 1 Corinthians 7, and says that the unmarried state allows for an undivided devotion to the Lord. On the other hand, we should recognize singleness as a temporary state prior to marriage. In other words, there are some who have a positive calling to the celibate life and embrace it as Paul did. For others, singleness is a hardship, a source of pain and longing. Like with pain of infertility, it’s important to acknowledge the good thing that is desired, so that we put the pain in its proper place. For some of you, singleness is a painful burden. It’s hard, because you want to be married, and you’re not. And it hurts. And I want you to hear from us, it’s okay that it hurts.

Practical Wisdom for Honoring Marriage

Now in terms of bringing this vision of marriage and singleness down to earth, there’s so much to be said. When we look at what the Westminster Catechism includes under the seventh commandment, we find all sorts of relevant expectations. We find chastity in body, mind, affections, words, and behavior; watchfulness over the eyes and the other senses; keeping of chaste company; modesty in apparel; encouragement to conjugal love for those who are married. We also find a list of all the other adultery-like sins; avoiding wanton looks (that is, inappropriate flirtation or seduction); undue delay of marriage; unjust divorce; lewd and lascivious songs, books, pictures, stage plays, and other provocations to acts of uncleanness.

All of these sins are essentially on-ramps to dishonoring the marriage bed. Like Jesus, the authors of the catechism, knew that adultery starts in the heart before it arrives in our actions. And so we need to cut off our hand and make no provision for the flesh to gratify its desires. But when it comes to actually guarding against these wider sins, we really need a lot of practical wisdom. And while sermons can help at the macro-level to address these practicalities, the real wisdom is going to come from thick and ideally inter-generational community. Here’s what I mean. Modesty and immodesty in apparel. That’s an important subject. But the best place to address it is not from the pulpit; it’s in Community Group and Life Group and in one-on-one meetings with a trusted older Christian. When it comes to flirtation, or delaying marriage, or entertainment choices, or cultivate friendships that encourage purity and chastity, there is an inescapable cultural element that requires practical wisdom. And practical wisdom is often best given and received in concrete relationships.

So on behalf of the pastors, what I want to do is lift up the seventh commandment, highlight some of the practical areas included in it—entertainment choices, watchfulness over your eyes, undue delay of marriage, modest dress, appropriate or inappropriate flirtatiousness, dating and engagement—and then exhort you to seek out the wisdom of others on these matters, especially the wisdom of older and wiser men and women.

Let’s say that you’re a single guy and you want to be married, but it hasn’t happened yet. Find a wiser, older man and ask for counsel. Maybe ask a few men and discuss their advice. Same thing for single women; find wiser, older women and ask their advice. And to the older men and women, listen carefully, pray for God’s help, and then try to offer practical wisdom.

Summary and the Table

Marriage is a comprehensive, exclusive, lifelong union of a man and a woman, designed for their mutual joy and comfort, for fruitfulness in the bearing of children, as a protection against immorality, and as the fundamental building block of society. Marriage channels some of the most powerful human desires into a fruitful and God-honoring direction, which is why God establishes marriage through covenants and oaths. Marriage is to be held in honor by all, and we ought to take practical steps in community to keep the marriage bed undefiled.

In all of this, we’ve been speaking of marriage as God designed it in creation. Marriage is a universal human institution, not a creation of the gospel or the church. The gospel doesn’t fundamentally alter structure of marriage. It doesn’t change its definition or its earthly purposes. In all of those areas, the gospel endorses and doubles down on God’s original design for marriage. But the gospel also does something to marriage. Marriage is a great mystery, and the gospel reveals the mystery. The gospel shows us that the deepest meaning of marriage is not procreation or the stability of society or even the mutual joy of husband and wife.

The deepest meaning of marriage is a picture, a parable of Christ’s love for his bride, the church. The covenant of marriage reveals the covenant union of Christ and his church. In the loving and sacrificial headship of a husband, we see a picture of Christ’s love for his people. In the glad hearted submission and honor of a wife, we see a picture of the church’s honor for Christ. The church guards marriage, not only for the good of children and the good of society, but also to preserve a powerful witness to the gospel of Jesus.

Which brings us to the Table. Marriage is not the only parable of Christ’s love for us. Here at the Lord’s Table, we see another. We see the love of Christ, who gives himself—his body and his blood—for us and for our salvation. In giving his body for us, he reminds us that he loves us as his own body. He nourishes us and cherishes us. When we eat and drink in faith, God renews the spiritual union between us and our Lord Jesus. So come and welcome to Jesus.