To Wives and Husbands, Women and Men
So this morning I wanna start by reminding you that Satan, the enemy of our souls, is in the business of outwitting Christians — and I think that word “outwitting” is important. We find it in 2 Corinthians Chapter 2, verse 11, and it means to exploit or to take advantage of something in a sinister way.
And the apostle Paul tells us that one way to guard against this being outwitted by Satan is to be aware of his schemes. If we know the tactics of the enemy we will know better how to defend against them. And well, when it comes to the tactics of Satan, he has a history of outwitting humans by distorting God’s truth — we see this right away in Genesis 3 when the serpent speaks to Adam; we see it in the Gospels when the devil tempts Jesus — Satan takes the word of God and he tries to twist it.
And I mention all this now because our passage this morning has to do with manhood and womanhood, and that topic in our day, is the devil’s playground. This is one of the most contentious, misunderstood, misapplied teachings in Christian discipleship, and we’re about to spend 30 minutes looking straight at it. So I wanna just acknowledge the possible uneasiness here, and I want to clarify our goal for this sermon (and really, this is the goal of every sermon). It’s that we as Christians, as a local church, we want to understand and embrace and express the Bible’s teaching as the truth of God which it is.
Now we need the Holy Spirit to do that, and we’re gonna ask for his help in just a minute, but I also wanna go ahead and give you the outline of this passage, for those of you who like outlines (if you don't like outlines, what’s wrong with you? — Just kidding. But I hope this helps). There are four main ideas in the passage: two for wives and two for husbands, and we’re going to put them in two parts.
Part One is for wives, and here are two points:
Wives, honor God’s enduring design for marriage. (vv. 1–2)
Wives, make your true adorning be your character. (vv. 3–6)
Part Two is for husbands:
Husbands, live together with your wives in the light that you’ll receive together with them the gift of heaven. (v. 7)
Husbands, pray. (v. 7)
Now Peter is speaking to husbands and wives, but I think what he says here has application for all men and women, and we’re gonna see that, but first, let’s pray:
Father, your word is truth and life, but we in our sin are ignorant and blind, and so we beg you, Father, to help us, by your Spirit, to see and receive what you are saying to us, in Jesus’s name, amen.
PART ONE — FOR WIVES
1. Wives, honor God’s enduring design for marriage (vv. 1–2)
In verse 1, Peter begins with the word “likewise,” which connects back to Chapter 2, verses 13 and 18. Likewise, in a similar spirit of submissiveness, “wives, be submissive to your own husbands.”
Now the apostle PAUL gives this same command in a couple other places in the New Testament. Most notably is Ephesians Chapter 5, and there he adds the word “respect” in Ephesians 5:33 — “Let the wife see that she respects her husband” — and that helps us understand a little more the Bible’s teaching here (see also 1 Corinthians 11:3; Colossians 3:18).
It’s that a wife submitting to her husband means that she respects or honors her husband’s authority as husband. This is part of God’s design for marriage, which WAS and IS a staple truth of Christian doctrine. How the New Testament explains marriage was not a carry-over from First Century Greco-Roman culture, but it was a counter-cultural reality back then just like it is today.
In short, the Christian teaching on marriage is that the husband and wife have a complementary relationship of unity and distinction. One way to say it is that:
the husband leads with love as the head and authority, and
the wife submits with trust as the heart and help
— that’s God’s enduring design for marriage … and as Paul puts it: “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:25).
Part of this mystery — part of God’s design — is the wife’s submissiveness to her husband, which Peter commands, but then he adds in verse 1 that wives should do this …
so that even if some [husbands] do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives — when they see your respectful and pure conduct.
This is an amazing thing for Peter to say. He’s writing to Christians, but he anticipates that some of these Christian women will be married to men who are not Christians. This is what we could call missional realism.
Won Without Words
The apostle Peter has in mind that there’s an unbelieving couple; this couple hears the gospel, or at least the wife hears the gospel; and she is born again, she believes, but the husband does not — and that can get messy. Peter is being realistic here. This happens.
And there’s nothing more this wife wants, or her church wants, than for this unbelieving husband to become a Christian. And we might think that this is so important, that the conversion of this husband is so valuable, that the wife should pull out all the stops in the letting him know. She needs to employ every conceivable evangelistic method there is to do everything possible to “help” him believe; forget the submission stuff for a minute, he needs to be a Christian! — we would think that, right?! But no. Peter tells this Christian wife to honor God’s enduring design for marriage. Stick with your part.
God’s design for marriage endures, even in the case of an unbelieving husband — and in fact, God’s design is actually a means that he will use to bring the unbelieving husband to faith.
That’s what the phrase means “that they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives.” Peter is doing a play on words here: Peter describes these unbelieving husbands as those who do not obey word, and they’re going to be won without a word. Word non-believers will become Word-believers without words.
Now this doesn’t mean that they can be saved without hearing the gospel. They absolutely must hear the gospel, and they have, they do, but Peter is saying that the strategy for their conversion is not their wives repeatedly talking to them about their souls, but it’s their wives’ godly behavior. The wife’s holiness is compelling. Her holiness, her submissiveness, her respectful and pure conduct, is a means that God might be pleased to use in saving her husband.
In summary, the command here for wives to submit to their husbands is a call for them to honor God’s enduring design for marriage. God’s design is not upended by the circumstance of an unbelieving husband. Even in a situation like that, which is far from ideal, even if the her husband doesn’t believe the gospel, God’s design for marriage endures and the wife should honor that.
Now, let me make one note here, just being aware of possible distortion: the only submission we’re called to that is absolute is to Jesus himself. Every other authority has qualifications — even government like we saw last week. And so, in the possible scenario of an abusive husband — who is worse than an unbeliever (see 1 Timothy 5:8) — that husband has misunderstood and misapplied his authority. He has been outwitted by Satan, he is in sin, and the wife is not called to submit to that.
Wives, honor God’s design for marriage by submitting to your husbands, as it fitting in the Lord, as to the Lord (Colossians 3:18; Ephesians 5:22).
2. Wives, make your true adorning be your character. (vv. 3–6)
After addressing the wife’s conduct in verse 2, Peter double-clicks in verse 3 to say more:
Do not let your adorning be external— the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing — but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart …
So this is a negative/positive command that has to do with the external/internal, and it all centers on this word “adorn.” This is the only time this Greek word is used in the New Testament, and “adorn” is a good English translation. It means to beautify or to decorate. Its basic definition is any kind of addition to “relieve plainness.”
Your True Adorning
And it’s fascinating that Peter expects adornment to happen. It’s part of the richness of God’s created world. He doesn’t say not to adorn, he says to focus your adornment on what matters most, which is not the external.
It’s not “the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing.”
Now, when he mentions these things, Peter’s not saying these things are bad. He’s not prohibiting braided hair or wearing gold any more than he’s prohibiting putting on clothes! What he’s saying is: Don’t mistake these things as your true adornment.
Braid your hair, fine; wear a gold necklace, okay; put on clothes, of course — but don’t think these things are the manifestation of your beauty. Don’t think that your outfit is the difference-maker of your presence, but instead, know it’s your character. It’s the hidden person of your heart; it’s the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. It’s your humility and holiness.
And this is something that, of course, applies to all women, whether you’re married or not. And I don’t wanna embarrass anybody, so I’ll just say: I know of a dad who has thought a lot about this verse because he prays it for his daughters all the time. And it gets very practical because the question comes down to: What kind of beauty do you imagine you bring to the spaces you enter?
This is how that dad explains it to his daughters: You’re getting ready in the morning, looking in the mirror, getting your “external adorning” set. Now when you walk out of the room, do you assume that your external adornment is the main contribution to your person? OR do you understand that it’s mainly the internal, your heart, your character, that’s beautiful — and therefore that should be your biggest focus?
Because that never fades. That doesn’t diminish. That’s imperishable, verse 4, “which in God’s sight is very precious.”
Precious to God
And this is what it’s really about: Are we living for the approval of people or for the honor of God?
This word for “precious” in verse 4 means expensive. It usually refers to how people talk about things, like jewelry or clothes. But here, and Peter’s being intentional, he uses the word to describe what God thinks about the hearts of holy women. God considers their hearts to be precious.
And I don’t want to rush past this. For God to see something and consider it precious has to be one of the greatest blessings imaginable. This is God, remember — this is Yahweh, the Creator of all that is, who owns the cattle on a thousands hills, and spoke the earth and all its jewels into existence; he possesses everything and lacks nothing, and yet he, sisters, he would look at your hearts and call them precious? Your heart of holiness carries more value than the rarest, most enchanted diamond there is.
And you can adorn yourself with a heart like that.
We Need Your Fearlessness
Then in verse 5 Peter grounds this command with the example of holy women in the Old Testament. These women hoped in God — that’s the main distinguishing fact of these women — and that hope was expressed in their character, including their submissiveness.
Sarah is one example. She obeyed Abraham, calling him lord — which was an actual moment in Genesis 18:12. God appeared to Abraham by the oaks of Mamre through three men; they repeated to Abraham that he would have a son named Isaac; Sarah was listening in from the tent, and when she heard the promise, she laughed to herself and said,
“After I am worn out, and my lord is old, shall I have pleasure?”
She was saying, We’re way too old for this! But even in saying that, she respects Abraham and his authority as her husband and she comes to hope in the promise of God. That’s how Sarah is an example to Christian wives, and you, sisters, can follow in her holy example if, verse 6, you “do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.”
And here Peter expands a little more this vision of a holy woman. She is a doer of good and she is fearless. And it’s very likely that Peter has Proverbs 31 in mind. In Proverbs 31 we read about the virtuous woman — a holy woman — and one part of her character that stands out is her fearlessness about the future.
Proverbs 31, verse 25 says, “Strength and dignity are her clothing” [do you hear the connection there between character and adornment?] — “Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.”
Which means this woman is not afraid. She is not wringing her hands in worry about what might go wrong in the future — maybe she once did that, but she’s been through some stuff now, and she knows that God keeps his promises, and therefore she is content and restful and fearless. She laughs at the time to come.
And look, I know that after the last year, sisters, that can seem almost impossible to do. There have been new, salient fears introduced in our lives, and we all might think we have every excuse to bunker down and, in the name of safety, withdrawal and opt out and not be involved. But God calls you to be fearless, and more than ever, holy women, we need your fearlessness. Do not fear anything that is frightening.
All right, now verse 7, let’s talk about husbands.
PART TWO — FOR HUSBANDS
Remember we had four main ideas, two parts: Part One for wives, with two points, and now here’s Part Two for husbands.
And also remember that the enemy has his tactics. He tries to distort the truth in our interpretation and application. And so what if some knucklehead reads the first six verses and thinks that the husband’s authority means he’s an authoritarian? What if he thinks he supposed to call the shots as a domineering ruler?
How do we steer through that potential distortion?
Well, we start by letting Peter finish what he’s gotta say.
Here’s his main idea, the first point of Part Two:
1. Husbands, live together with your wives in the light that you will receive together with them the gift of heaven. (v. 7)
Look at verse 7:
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
The first line is literally: “Husbands, live with your wives according to knowledge.” Now, most English translations translate this as “in an understanding way” (see ESV, NASB, CSB). The NIV translates it “be considerate as you live with your wives.” And these translations say it this way because they’re trying to explain what kind of knowledge Peter is talking about, and so they look at the rest of the verse, and the effect, basically, is that the husband should be understanding and considerate. That’s not wrong.
But that doesn’t really answer the question as to what kind of knowledge Peter had in mind. Is Peter saying that husbands need to live with their wives according to their knowledge of their wives as in:
be an expert on your wife,
know everything you can about her,
get in her world,
draw out her heart?
Is Peter saying that? I don’t think that’s what he’s saying, but all of that is good advice! Husband, get to know your wife.
The Knowledge of God’s Design
But I think the knowledge that Peter is talking about here in verse 7 is broader. It’s not about your wife in particular, but it’s referring to God’s design for marriage, and for men and women overall. Basically, husbands, understand what everyone already knows intuitively, that men and women are different because God means for them to be. The reason that God created humanity in two sexes, man and woman, is because he means for them to be different.
I know this might sound basic, but it’s really worth thinking about: If God wanted humans to be the exact same then he would have made just one sex, one type, one anatomy. But he didn’t do that.
Going back to Genesis, the way God made the world is in a pattern of twos. Every aspect of creation had its complement, Heavens and Earth, the day and night, the sun and moon, the sea creatures and land animals, and when God made humans, man and woman. Both are made by God, in the image of God, possessing the same dignity and worth, but their contributions to the mission of God in this world are distinct — which means that egalitarian attempts to bleach those distinctions is not just fighting against the will of God, but it’s fighting against the way God designed the universe. And husbands who think that way, who bleach the distinctions, they are not living their wives according to knowledge.
Husbands, understand God’s design for men and women, and live with your wives in that understanding — and then Peter unpacks it, and this is where it is so crucial!
Showing Her Honor
The issue, husband, is not just knowing that women are different, but it’s what you do about that difference, and the apostle Peter says you show your wife honor.
Do you see that in verse 7?
Peter is explaining the manner by which we live with our wives according to knowledge. It’s by “showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel.” And a lot of people stumble over this word “weaker.” How is the wife weaker than the husband?
A lot of commentators say that this in reference to physical strength. And at large that’s empirically true. Every single woman in not physically stronger than every single man, but most men are physically stronger than most women. And for most of world history, vocations have fit with this fact. Only men did jobs that required masculine strength. This isn’t so much the case today, mainly because of technology, but the principle remains: Men honor women by doing the heavy lifting. That is true — and I think Peter has more in mind here.
I think the weakness he’s talking about is weakness in terms of authority. That fits the context better. Peter is telling the husband to remember that his wife is weaker as in she doesn’t have the authority, you do. The husband is the head. The husband has the God-given authority in the relationship; the wife is weaker, so honor her. This is about how the husband applies his authority.
He uses his authority to honor his wife, and this is absolutely mind-boggling compared to the way the world uses authority. Peter is commending the way of Jesus, who taught us in Matthew 20 not to be like the pagan rulers who lord their authority over others, but instead, be a servant. Lead others in the service of their good, even at your own expense, just like Jesus did. Husbands, you are the head of your wife, now honor her.
Our Common Mission
And when it comes to our imagination, the only way this can really make sense to us is if we live out our marriages in a context of common mission, not competition. And I wanna highlight this point because in the world manhood and womanhood is a competition. The world pits us against one another. They call it the “battle of the sexes” and all that. And when we operate in that construct, of course what Peter says makes no sense, because in competition you don’t honor weakness, you exploit weakness.
Just think about any sport for example. In order to win, you try to figure out the weakest points of your opponent so that you can take advantage of them. In baseball, this is super obvious in the intentional walk (and I’m giving a baseball example because baseball’s the greatest sport there is, and our little league team has won their last two games — so I’m feeling good!).
And I’ve experienced the intentional walk, not me but a team we played against. In high school I played against this super good player from another school, and every time we played them, we would walk this guy a lot. He was a great hitter, and the intentional walk is when you give your opponent first base rather than pitch to him, and we would do this even if it meant loading the bases. And I also felt a little sorry for that guy on deck, because basically we were saying to that guy on deck, in front of everybody, that we knew we were going to get him out. We preferred to pitch to the guy on deck because he was a weaker hitter on that team, and we wanted to exploit that weakness. In competition you do that.
But you don’t do that when you’re on mission together. When you’re on the same team, with the same goal, headed for the same destiny, you work together to lift up the other. That’s what Peter is saying. Wives and husbands are co-heirs. Men and women are heirs together “of the grace of life.”
Present Living and Future Inheritance
That’s the reality in which all of this takes place. And there’s some neat grammatical connections in verse 7. In that first line of verse 7, the word for “live” has the same Greek prefix as the word “heirs” and if we were reading the verse in Greek, we’d hear the similarity. In English, it’d be like saying: co-live with your wife since you are co-heirs with your wife. There’s a connection between our present living and our future inheritance.
The “grace of life” that Peter mentions here is our eternal life to come. It’s something we inherit, which means we wait for its realization in the future. He’s talking about heaven. This is our belonging to and dwelling in the kingdom and presence of God forever. Men and women will experience that reality the same. This is not Islam. We are, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives, we are heirs together of our heavenly home, and so, live like it now.
Peter is saying: Husbands, live together with your wives in the light that you’ll receive together with them the gift of heaven.
And live that way for this purpose, verse 7, “so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
And this is the final point of Part Two, and the sermon. It’s this:
2. Husbands, pray. (v. 7)
Peter implies here that if a husband is acting in a way that is contrary to God’s design, if he’s not living with his wife according to knowledge, if he is misapplying his authority, and not showing his wife honor, God will not hear his prayers.
And this makes total sense. We cannot live outside of God’s will and expect God to accomplish our wills. Living out of sync with God’s design hinders prayer — but that’s only going to matter to us if we pray. And so that’s my exhortation. Husbands, pray.
Pray for your family; pray for your wives — and pray with the confidence that the way you’re praying is congruent to the way you live. You are asking God to accomplish things for which you are a means!
Those prayers are not hindered, but they are heard and received, and, we pray, granted, by the grace of God.
Conclusion
Look, it’s no secret that the enemy wants to destroy our souls and our marriages and our churches and our witness. He wants to destroy us — we know that — and he does it by distorting the truth.
And so we might think (as some do) that our best defense against that is to find the most non-controversial interpretation of passages like this. We might think we need to explain all of this in a way the world would approve of. But that’s misguided. Our greatest defense against the enemy’s tactics is not an interpretation that is appetizing to the world, but it’s the right understanding of the Bible’s teaching and its right application. If we embrace God’s truth and live it out, it’s not going to be popular, but God will bless it, and the Holy Spirit will authenticate our witness, and that will change a city for the glory of Jesus. … That’s what brings us to the Table.
The Table
Remember, the glory of Jesus is what this is all about. We want more of him, and we want these cities to have more of him through us, which all centers on his death for us on the cross. God has shown his love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us, and this morning, if you believe that, if you hope in Jesus and you are united to him by faith, let us receive the bread and cup together, and give him thanks.
The body of Jesus is the true bread.
The blood of Jesus is the true drink.
Let us serve you.
