Managing Motherhood
I was in the checkout line. Hanging upside down over my arm was my screaming three-year-old son. He had just been denied a riding lawnmower. I might have worried his head would blow off except that I was struggling with my own internal body temperature of approximately 6000 degrees. It was a moment. The man in front of me helpfully commented that I made him glad he didn’t have kids.
Clearly, it was time for a sober assessment of our parenting. My husband and I narrowed the potential issues down to one that seemed fixable. We had given our son small but frequent — and to him, significant — freedoms: freedom like sitting in the shopping cart or not; freedom to pick out his own snack and choose his own clothes.
We love to give our kids freedom. For me, giving choices to my kids made me feel like a good and attentive parent. I felt I had “a little buddy” with me on errands, like a playdate with Mom, and the pressures of parenting could take a bit of a break. However, we found that giving freedoms and choices and options when my kids were young — like under six-years-old — had the opposite effect. Instead of them learning gratitude and discernment, they became entitled, dissatisfied, and discontent. Did I mention loud?
I did an experiment a couple years ago during Christmas. I didn’t ask my three youngest (12, 11, and 9) what they wanted as gifts. We simply got them things. And they loved it. We loved it. We do gifts differently now, and it’s for the better.
It’s easy to fall into habits as mothers, and not even realize what we’re doing. When things get busy and chaos ensues, the last thing that comes naturally is thinking critically about what you say and how you say it. This is why it helps to lay down some key principles that can stand their ground before the whirlwind.
When it comes to the school of practicality — the boots-on-the-ground parenting situations we find ourselves in everyday — here are a few principles you might find helpful:
I don’t need my kids’ permission: in practice, don’t end requests to your children with “okay?” It sends the wrong message if you insinuate to your children that you need their permission to ask them things. Instead, have them tell you “Okay” or “Yes” after you’ve asked them to do something.
You can make some decisions for them. You love them. You want what’s best for them. With that confidence, you are capable of choosing what they’ll eat for breakfast. Try it out. See how you feel. See how they react.
Stand your ground. There will be conflict in the throes of mothering. And it’s okay! It is right not to buy your toddler a riding lawnmower. That’s a decision I’m still happy about.