Grace That Never Lets Go

Four days.

Single digits.

I’m struggling to wrap my mind around the reality that we are actually getting married. I have tasted grace in these last few weeks; it has been painful and sweet. It’s no coincidence that I’ve been reading through the Old Testament over the course of this semester. While reading, I’m almost constantly thinking, “what stiff-necked unbelieving idiots!” Yet God blesses them and keeps them over and over again. He even causes a charlatan to pronounce blessings over Israel while the charlatan is trying to curse them. As they are defeating huge armies by the power of God, they are cursing him and blaming him when the smallest thing goes wrong. Oh man, they have such trust issues.

I need the repetition of the Old Testament because, like the people of Israel, I also trend toward turning away and failing to trust God. In many ways, I am the stiff-necked, unbelieving idiot. That might sound like I’m self-deprecating and should warrant some kind of, “Sarah, no you’re not. You’re engaged, it’s just a strange season of life.” But no, I really am. Engagement is just barium sulfate.

Okay, Speech-Language Pathology (SLP) Nerd Moment. When a patient drinks a metallic liquid called barium sulfate, it lights up their insides on an x-ray. This way, the SLP doctor can see everything that’s going on, and potentially locate blockages or other problems in the digestive track.

Well, I drank it all up, so to speak. And all of the messed-up, nasty stuff has been lit up for everyone to see. It’s been there all along, wreaking subtle havoc in my life, causing damage and pain over and over, every time I swallow, but now I am so aware of it. My fears, and anxieties, and idols. Yep, there they are.

Drinking the barium sulfate of engagement did not cause me to have these issues, it just exposed them. To be honest, I hate the grief that comes from seeing and knowing my sin, but that doesn’t mean seeing it isn’t a grace — a grace from the only one who can actually help.

Jesus, how I need thee, every hour, oh I need thee!

The grace that he purchased for me on the cross is more outrageously good than I can figure out. My sin cycles and patterns have always been fully known to him and because his death and resurrected life has infinitely more power than my sin, he doesn’t let go of me. He never will.

Without hesitation, there is no kind of, “Wait, go get cleaned up and then I’ll forgive you.” Or “Wait, you gotta repent really well and then we can hug.He is really is full of grace, and believing otherwise robs him of the glory of his mercy. It would be saying that his sacrifice — his ultimate, perfect, loving sacrifice — is not enough for me. And thanks be to God, that is simply not true.

This is especially good news looking ahead to marriage, which I’m expecting will be barium sulfate 2.0.