Not the Life I Had Planned
This is not the life I had planned for myself. I did not plan to be 26 years old working 3+ jobs and barely scraping by. I did not plan on having no direction for my career and a crippling sense of indecision about what to do next. It seems like every step I try to take forward is met with disappointment and an ever-decreasing paycheck. It has never been more evident to me that I have no idea what I'm doing. I think this is grace. But it has been really hard to see it as that. It feels like, despite all my planning and efforts, that I've failed. Nothing satisfies.
But that's just it. In his great mercy, God is saving me from job idolatry. I have always taken great pride in my accomplishments and accolades. The longer the list, the sturdier the throne upon which I sit. I am safe as long as I am constantly adding to the list. Standing still means falling behind, and that's unacceptable. But what I thought would be a steady incline for me to climb has turned out to be a long, flat, sometimes downward-sloping road. I think God is slowing me down so I can see more of him, notice my fellow-exiles trudging along beside me, and see more clearly those walking in the opposite direction towards sin and death. I'm not on this earth to make much of me. We “ain't got time for that” and there is too much work to be done. In my efforts to surrender, there are some truths I'm fighting to understand.
I am fighting to understand that he who began a good work in me will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus (Phil. 1:6). God started a good work in us when he regenerated us. God began this good work, but it’s not going to be finished until Jesus comes back. This means that while I’m waiting to “arrive” and finally become a real, live adult, God knows exactly what his plans are for maturing and growing me and he promises these are for my good. (Rom. 8:28). I can trust that God will not leave me high and dry. He’s not pressing pause on my life.
I am fighting to understand that the greatest gift is God himself. Not the perfect job. Not a family. Not a giant house for all my friends to live in together with a waterslide and bouncy castle. If God were to promise us these things as our ultimate reward, he would be cheating us out of so much joy. It is not conceited or weird that God loves himself and is jealous for our affections, because he is the most lovable and desirable being in the whole universe. If he weren't, he would be settling for something less than the best. Basically, God is like dessert.
I am fighting to understand that God doesn't get fed up with me. Psalm 73:22–23 says, “I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand.” Even when I'm being a big dummy and throwing a tantrum (because I'm 26 and an adult, right?), God is patient and kind and loving. He may put me on time out or take away something I'm clinging to, but it's not as punishment. It's to redirect my focus to him. He disciplines us like children because he loves us as children. As we're here in exile on this earth, I want to fight to push each other towards these truths and all others made available to us in the Bible.