The Power of Fraternal Affirmation
Introduction
On Saturday morning, June 8, I gave a talk at our men’s breakfast called, “The Pursuit of Manhood.” My thesis was straightforward: Being a Christian is the fulfillment of your manhood, and in no way contradicts it. I repeated that sentence a few times and organized the talk under two headings: (1) The Meaning of Manhood, and (2) The Presence of Pursuit in the Christian Life (the entire manuscript is now available).
In summary, I argued that both manhood and the Christian life are quest-oriented, and that to pursue Christlikeness actually fulfills the pursuit of true manhood. “You cannot become a true man unless you become a true Christian — a true Christian is one who is converted, born again, enlisted in the pursuit of conformity to Christ, through pain.” As I mentioned in the introductory disclaimer, there is a lot more than could be said about each part of the talk, but my aim is not to be exhaustive, and my intended audience is exclusively men.
Following the breakfast, I’ve wanted to follow up on two points: masculine agency and fraternal affirmation. In the conversations that I’ve had, and others of which I’m aware, there seems to be particular interest in these two parts. I’d like to address them separately, in writing, beginning with fraternal affirmation.
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The Continual Calling
Manhood is a pursuit. Apart from a sacrificial death, manhood isn’t irrevocably accomplished by a single act. It is a continual calling that must be lived up to, and prior to death, it is something from which men can disqualify themselves. This is something that David Gilmore found in his anthropological research of ten different cultures’ view of masculinity. He writes,
In all these places, living up to a highlighted image of manhood is a frequent theme. … [there was a] pervasive concern among men about their masculinity.
Gilmore calls this the “contextual universality” of masculinity. Although the details might look differently across many cultures, in general, manhood is aspirational. It’s a calling toward which men everywhere aspire. We see this idea in Scripture.
In 2 Samuel 10, in Joab’s most shining moment, when he and Abishai were surrounded by the armies of Syria and Ammon, he rallied his brother,
Be of good courage, and let us play the men for our people, and for the cities of our God: and the Lord do that which seemeth him good. (2 Samuel 10:12 KJV)
The ESV and most modern translations replace “let us play the men” with “let us be courageous” — because courage is the idea. The Hebrew word chazaq (to grow firm or strong) was translated in the Greek Septuagint as andrizomai (act like a man). There was a conceptual connection between courage and manliness. In the New Testament, Paul uses the word andrizomai when he exhorts the Corinthian church:
Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. (1 Corinthians 16:13 ESV)
The context, again, makes the concept obvious. Acting like a man is synonymous with being courageous. This is additional support that manhood is a quality, a kind of ideal to which men aspire, a calling toward which men can be exhorted — not only once or twice, but continually as a pursuit.
Where Is the Starting Point?
Manhood is a pursuit, but when does this pursuit begin?
It is one thing to recognize that masculinity is more practiced than possessed, but that does not mean that it’s nebulous and ephemeral. There is a “starting point,” as it were, to the pursuit, and this is something shared across all cultures. You can travel anywhere you want in the world, and one thing that you’ll find true in every culture, according to Gilmore’s research, is that boys become men when the respected men in their community tell them they are. This affirmation is deeply formational. Men are affirmed by other men on the quest to now also be on the quest. They are affirmed to be on the right path, where the expectations are clear:
You are a man. You are called to gladly assume sacrificial responsibility, to lead, provide, and protect for your family and others even at a cost to yourself.
I mentioned during the talk that I’m convinced that one of the reasons we have such a man-crisis in America, and in our churches, is because too many adult males have never had an older man look them in the eyes with this kind of affirmation. Men are hungrier for this more than anything else I know.
Blazoned in Our Memories
Fathers have a vital opportunity to speak these words to their sons, but it can’t only come from fathers. It should come from other paternal voices as well, and especially from brothers with us in the fray. This gives hope to those who are wounded by the lack of affirmation from their fathers. Though powerful, it is not necessary, and even if a man has been advantaged with that foundation, he still needs brotherly support along the way. Even wives, as supportive as that might be, cannot fill their husband’s need to be affirmed by other men. We could categorize what I’m addressing here simply as “friendship,” but rather than define the relationship, I’m interested in the function — fraternal affirmation. I’d like us to focus on the act of one man affirming another man in his manhood, which can happen regardless of the depth of relationship.
This kind of affirmation becomes blazoned in our memories. I remember years ago when I was in seminary, I was trying hard to balance school, work, and family. I had moved my family far from home and we were barely squeezing by. Walking in the light and with a clean conscience, deep down I was still insecure about how I was leading my wife and, at that time, two daughters. One day I got a card in the mail from a man, a peer. We weren’t particular close, but we worked together and he had a vantage into my life. Inside the card, along with a $200 gift card to the grocery store, he wrote the words, “You’re doing it right.” That’s all he said, and while I was grateful for the groceries, those small handful of words felt priceless to me. They were valuable not because they made me feel good, but because they were true, and I needed another man to speak them to me. I’ve probably thought about that card a few times a month since that time, and especially when I’ve received similar affirmation since then. But I also think about it because they were from a man who ended up making shipwreck of his faith.
It reminds us that while affirmation is important, and men need it consistently from other men, it must also come with accountability. Remember, apart from sacrificial death, manhood isn’t irrevocably accomplished by a single act, but it’s a continual calling that men must live up to. This is why, right next to the affirmation, “You are a man,” must come the exhortation, “Act like one.”
These Seven Words
Both affirmation and accountability are necessary, and we capture them together in the seven words: You are a man, act like one. When these words are spoken from one man to another, you can imagine their force.
First, there is the affirmation that “you’re doing it right.” You are in the quest, on the path. This is the hat tip, the head nod, the wrap-my-arms-around-your-shoulder atta boy. Countless boys and men play sports for this kind of affirmation. We desire it so deeply that we even seek simulations of it through athletic contest. Men want this, and it’s not a bad thing that we do. It’s a good, creaturely desire. But it doesn’t stop with the affirmation.
Second, there must be accountability. Without the exhortation to act like a man, it actually hollows out the affirmation. If the affirmation is a true pronouncement of reality, and not mere flattery, then it contains the expectation: be who you are. The imperative follows the indicative, and here is where we begin, again, to see the similarity to the Christian life. In Pilgrim’s Progress, the unsurpassed quest narrative in Christian literature, Christian painstakingly pursues the Celestial City because that is his true home, his destiny. It’s the same reason the apostle Paul presses on “toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:14) — it’s why he was made.
Fraternal affirmation, if done honestly, will involve accountability as well. When men recognize this need in themselves, and they’re eager to support one another in this way, it will create a flourishing community full of industry and impact. It harnesses our agency to be maximally useful to the world around us.
The topic of agency is where I’d like us to look next.
